Last week, Ukrainian President Zelensky arrived at the White House looking to cut a deal. We all saw how that went– he sabotaged himself.
I’m going to explain how that happened. Next, I’ll give you a list of what I see as the top ten behaviors, beliefs, and identities that keep us from getting the results we claim to want. By the end, you’ll have a clear idea of what you need to change to unlock maximum performance.
The summit was supposed to be a public rubber-stamping of the mineral deal but turned into a shouting match. This kind of argument, between two allies, is unheard of. So how the hell does something like this happen? How did it go so bad, so quickly? The answer is simple. Zelensky put his need to be right ahead of winning.
Try to put yourself in Zelensky’s shoes. He’s a career comedian turned politician, and for the last three years, he’s been leading his country through hell. If he fails to make a deal, he’ll be humiliated at best, and killed at worst. The stakes couldn’t be higher. His neighbor has a military more than three times bigger than his and doesn’t seem anxious to stop taking his land or killing his men. To make matters worse, his strongest ally looks like it’s gearing up to sell him down the river.
All of this external pressure has hardened Zelensky’s identity. Considering his situation, it’s not surprising that he sees himself as a martyr and believes he has the moral high ground. In many ways, he does– unfortunately, that doesn’t factor into the equation when it comes to peace negotiations. Struggle, failure, and stubborn resistance have become central to his self-concept. Sometimes, though, the identities we create for ourselves aren’t suited for the task at hand. Last week Zelensky’s self-image convinced him that he needed to be right, and this took winning off the table. He sabotaged himself on the world stage.
I’m not a military Leader, but I know I’m guilty of the same kind of self-sabotage. Almost all of us carry a pathological need to correct the record. Our need to be right makes us, in the long run, unlikeable and alienating. When you’re in a situation like Zelensky’s, your best move is to agree and reposition; don’t let being right compromise the negotiation. In a perfect world, Zelensky would’ve smiled, nodded along, given Trump a win, and saved any gripes for the conversations that don’t happen in front of cameras. By getting into the weeds with the President, Zelensky may have written himself and his country out of a peace deal.
The best way to recognize your self-sabotaging behavior is to spot it in others. The key here is not to judge. When you analyze people from an empathetic perspective, you’re learning to treat yourself kindly. That’s why I asked you to put yourself in Zelensky’s shoes. Obviously, that wasn’t the result he was looking to get. Now, I want to help you avoid the kind of disaster Zelensky’s self-concept led him to.
Our behaviors are rarely in line with our goals. We are masters of self-sabotage. Here’s a quick checklist of behaviors, beliefs and identities that create this slippage. As you read through, think about someone you care about who struggles with one or more of them. Then read it again, and look for these in yourself.
“Narcissus” by Caravaggio
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Inner Conflict: The root of self-sabotage. We often have an internal conflict between our identities and our goals. When the tension bubbles to the surface, we tend to choose identity. This leads us to behave in self-sabotaging ways.
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Self Sabotage: This is when a person’s behaviors produce the exact opposite of the results they claim to desire. Example: someone claims to want a romantic partner, but pushes people away as soon as things get serious.
- Chronic Self Sabotage: Everyone engages in self-sabotage from time to time, but only some people are chronic sabateurs. People slip into this when they integrate negative behavior patterns into their identity. Example: a student struggles in school and claims they want to get better grades, but they procrastinate on every assignment because they “work better under pressure.” Do you see how their self-sabotage is becoming part of how they view themselves?
“The Fall of Icarus” by Jacob Peter Gowy
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Perfectionism: This is something a lot of creatives struggle with. They want to make an impact on people, and they worry they won’t be understood or respected unless the work is flawless. In reality, perfectionism is an excuse to never do anything. Perfectionists are great at coming up with ideas, but they can never execute on them. Example: your friend comes up with a great idea for a screenplay. When it comes time for the rubber to meet the road, though, they struggle to get a draft on paper. Every time they start, they feel like they’re letting their idea down.
- Insecure Attachment: Oftentimes, this is the result of childhood trauma. People who have this attachment style worry that they will be abandoned. Sometimes this manifests as clinginess, sometimes it manifests as avoidance. In either case, the person behaves in ways that push others away. They’re so afraid of being abandoned again that they work to isolate themselves.
“Separation” by Edvard Munch
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Martyr Complex: Some people think of themselves as martyrs, and that the world is out to get them. They struggle to form healthy connections with others because they’re always looking for evidence that they’re being wronged. Example: an old friend is always talking about how nobody is as good of a friend as they are, and that they always give more than they get. In reality, they demand so much from other people that they’re impossible to have a relationship with. Their “friendship” is a ransom note.
- Approval-Seeking Through Failure: This functions like the martyr complex. People learn to extract sympathy and support from others in response to negativity, so they seek out situations that will hurt them. They begin to value struggle and failure over success because it reinforces their identity and compels others to support them. Example: someone goes through toxic relationship after toxic relationship, claiming that they want something healthier, but repeating the behaviors that got them where they are. They’ve learned that struggling gets them sympathy, and the failure to connect becomes part of their identity.
“Automat” by Edward Hopper
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Fear of Success: I say all the time that the fear of success is more lethal than the fear of failure. People fear the responsibility, the criticism, and the hard work that comes with success, so they behave in ways that guarantee failure. At the same time, a lot of people fear success because they don’t believe they deserve it. This can be a root cause of multiple other behaviors on this list. Example: your friend is always complaining about their job, and how they want more responsibility. When an opportunity to put their name in the hat for promotion comes up, they decide that it’s “not worth the extra effort,” or they’re “not good enough” to manage at a higher level.
- Negative Self-Talk: The way we talk to ourselves shapes our identity, and our behavior. Engaging in negative self talk like “I’ve never been good at that,” or “I always mess this up” creates the reality it describes. People talk to themselves negatively because they’d rather reinforce a negative identity than try to shape a new one.
- Masochism: Ultimately, all of these behavior patterns and beliefs lead to suffering. Some people learn to equate suffering and pain with love and belonging because of childhood abuse. Unfortunately, crossing these wires just about guarantees that they will seek out and then suffer the same things over and over again. Separating pain and pleasure isn’t always easy, but it’s an important step in escaping a self-defeating cycle.
“Saturno devorando a su hijo” by Francisco de Goya
The next time you find yourself red in the face, arguing your position, convinced that the other guys are morons, remember Zelensky, and remember that checklist. It doesn’t matter if you’re right, or a martyr, and it doesn’t matter who has the moral high ground– the only thing that matters is winning. When you allow all these self-sabotaging behaviors and beliefs to become a part of your identity, you take winning off the table.
We discussed all of this and more at length last weekend during Leadership Live– if you missed it, make sure you tune in this upcoming weekend. I go live at 9 AM every Sunday. The community that’s forming on the stream is incredible; we discuss current events, business, our lives, the state of Leadership, and more. I hope to see you there!
Last weekend’s Leadership Live